


Forgiven

by wolfie_winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester and Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, Episode: s08e08 Hunteri Heroici, Gen, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 02:31:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3157841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfie_winchester/pseuds/wolfie_winchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ask anyone and they'll tell you that Dean Winchester doesn't do the whole feelings thing. But when Cas admits to thinking about killing himself, Dean can't just blow it off and go on like nothing's wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiven

**Author's Note:**

> I put it in the tags, but just in case: 
> 
> Trigger warning for mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> What Cas said in that episode really made me sad and I was kind of disappointed that they didn't really address it after Sam comes in. So, here's what I wish would have happened. There's a little bit of Dean/Cas here, but it's nothing too bad if that's not your cup of tea.

Dean clicks an article on his laptop, hoping to find something more that might explain this weird-ass hunt that Cas stumbled upon. A guy’s heart leaping out of his chest and another one floating in mid-air, only to look down and fall to his death? And now there’s giant _holes_ in bank vaults? It’s all stuff straight outta freaking Looney Tunes. Honestly, with the way things are going, he really is considering that the thing causing it all just might be Bugs Bunny or some other wacky cartoon character come to life.

 

When Cas comments about John’s handwriting, Dean looks over to see the angel sitting on his bed flipping through Dad’s journal. It’s strange, seeing him back here again and under even stranger circumstances. Dean had to fight hard to get out and almost pulled Cas out too, until he’d foolishly lost his grip. But now the angel just shows up out of the blue, without any memory of how he got out of that hellhole? Dean can’t help but think that maybe Heaven might have something to do with it.

 

“How you feeling, Cas?” he asks.

 

“I’m fine,” Cas replies, flipping another page in Dad’s journal.

 

“Well, I just, I know that when I got puked outta Purgatory it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs,” he says.

 

“I’m fine,” the angel repeats.

 

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy you’re back. I’m freaking thrilled,” he says. “But this whole mysterious resurrection thing...always has one mother of a down side.”

 

Cas finally looks up, an annoyed expression on his face and closes the book.

 

“So, what do you want me to do?” he asks.

 

“Maybe take a trip upstairs?” Dean suggests.

 

“To Heaven?”

 

“Yeah, poke around a bit, see if the God squad can’t tell us how you got out,” he says.

 

“No.”

 

Cas’ abrupt answer makes Dean laugh quietly to himself.

 

“Look, man, I hate those flying ass monkeys as much as you do, but-”

 

“Dean, I said no!”

 

Dean stops, stares at Cas and thinks that maybe there’s something else wrong other than the fact that Cas’ family is full of douches. He gets up, shuts his laptop and walks over to Sam’s bed, sitting down across from Cas and motions with his hands.

 

“Talk to me.”

 

“Dean, I...” Cas sighs, setting down the journal next to him and turning to face him. “When I was...bad. When I had all those things, the Leviathans, writhing inside me, I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I _devastated_ Heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind and I - I can’t go back.”

 

“Cause if you do, the angels will kill you.”

 

“Because if I see what’s Heaven’s become...what I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

 

The door opens and Dean knows it’s probably Sam coming back with new information and that it’s probably important, but in light of Cas’ confession, he can’t take the time to focus on the hunt right now.

 

“Hey, so I-”

 

“In a second,” Dean says, not taking his eyes off Cas. The angel looks surprised, like he wasn’t expecting him to put a hold on the case just to help him.

 

“But, Dean-”

 

“Sam. Not right now,” he says, finally looking at his brother. The gravity in his voice and his expression must convince him and Sam quietly sets a manilla folder on the table next to Dean’s laptop.

 

“Okay. Do you want me to go?”

 

“Please? I just...need to talk to Cas. Alone,” he replies.

 

Sam nods and he says that he’ll go get a drink and a snack or something, closing the door behind him as he leaves.

 

“Dean, you didn’t have to do that. I’m fine,” Cas says. He starts to stand up and Dean grabs his hand.

 

“Cas, you’re not fine. You just told me that you’re thinking about killing yourself. We need to talk about this,” he says.

 

For a moment, Cas looks like he might wrench his hand away and go about his business anyway. Dean knows it’s partially his fault for the angel bottling up his emotions. Some example he’s set. But instead of walking away, Cas sits back down, next to Dean this time. He swallows hard and when he looks at Dean again, his eyes are shining.

 

Something tugs at his chest at the sight, a need to keep Cas close to him and comfort him like he used to do with Sam when they were little.

 

Dean wraps his arms around the angel and he can feel Cas’ shoulders trembling.

 

“It’s okay, Cas. Let it out. I got you,” he murmurs.

 

Hands clutch at his back and grip handfuls of his shirt tightly. Cas squeezes him hard but Dean isn’t going to say anything; he needs to be strong for his friend, give him a shoulder to cry on.

 

Cas sucks in a breath and when he lets it out, it's with a sob. Another one follows just as quickly and it hurts to hear, because he’s never seen or heard Cas cry before, but he just holds him tighter and rubs his back. Without even thinking about it, he rocks them back and forth, a silent attempt to calm his angel.

 

It’s a few minutes before his crying dies down and he loosens his death grip on Dean’s shirt, although he doesn’t let go. Dean keeps rubbing Cas’ back, pressing soothing kisses into his dark hair.  

 

“There’s just so much,” Cas finally says, voice raspy, “there’s so much I’ve done wrong and I - I don’t think I can ever fix it. I messed up, Dean. I messed up and I was stupid, so, so stupid. I hurt so many people and angels. I hurt you and Sam. You must hate me.”

 

“I don’t,” Dean says firmly. “I’m not going to lie to you and say you didn’t do anything wrong, but Cas, buddy, I could never hate you. You’re my best friend.”

 

“You have to know that that’s really hard to believe right now,” Cas replies with a self-deprecating laugh.

 

“I know. I know, but it’s true. You’re my best friend and I need you. And if you killed yourself, you’d be killing off God’s favorite angel. And mine too,” Dean says.

 

“My father is gone. He doesn’t care about what we do,” Cas says dejectedly.

 

“I think he does a little bit. I mean, he brought you back after you died all those other times, didn’t he? How many other angels can say that? Not many, right? Point is, Cas, you’re important. You’re one of a kind, there ain’t any other angel out there as special as you. And that’s not a bad thing, being special, okay? It’s really good, cause it means you get to hang with some really awesome people and do awesome stuff instead of being stuck in Heaven in a monkey suit. Er, no pun intended.”

 

Cas lets out a soft laugh at that and shakes his head.

 

“That’s not funny, Dean.”

 

“You laughed.”

 

The angel punches Dean in the shoulder, but there’s no real force behind it. When he looks up, his eyes are red and puffy, but he’s smiling, which Dean considers an improvement.

 

“You really mean it? What you said about being important?”

 

Dean smiles and brushes an imaginary hair back from Cas’ eyes, lets his hand linger on his cheek.

 

“Of course I did. You’re not a bad angel, Cas. God gave you free will on purpose, I think. Yeah, it means you make mistakes, but you learned from ‘em didn’t you? I mean, it’s not like you’re gonna try opening Purgatory again or anything.”

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

“Well, there you go. Lesson learned.”

 

“Does...does this mean you forgive me?”

 

Dean pauses for a moment. He thinks about Sam on his death bed in a mental hospital, about seeing all those people killed in the name of the new God. Part of him still stirs in anger at that, but it’s not so strong anymore.

 

“I’m still a little bit mad, okay? But yeah, I forgive you. When you were....bad, you weren’t really you. I knew that and it wouldn’t be fair for me to keep blaming you for it,” Dean says.

 

A few tears fall from Cas’ eyes again but Dean doesn’t think he’s sad anymore.

 

“Thank you,” Cas breathes. “Thank you so much, Dean.”

 

He hugs Dean again and the sigh he lets out loosens the tension in his shoulders.

 

“So. Um, Cas, you...you’re staying, right? You’re not gonna leave us?”

 

Cas shakes his head and Dean feels a light kiss pressed to his neck.

 

“No.”

 

“Good,” Dean replies, letting himself relax too. “That’s real good, Cas. Cause, uh, honestly? I don’t know what I would do without you.”

 

“You’d probably get done in by a monster within a week. Like an amateur,” Cas says with a snicker.

 

“Would not. Shut up.”

* * *

 

“So are you guys okay?” Sam asks when he returns. He looks concerned and Dean thinks that, with Cas’ permission, he’ll tell his brother what transpired a little later. For now, he looks over at Cas and wordlessly laces their fingers together.

 

“Yeah, Sam. We’re good,” Cas says, smiling and squeezing Dean’s hand.

 

The action isn’t missed by the younger hunter and he smiles warmly at them.

 

“About time,”  he says.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean mutters.

 

Sam laughs softly and then he picks up the manilla folder he’d set down earlier, briefing them on the new information regarding the hunt. He tells them about his new discovery about the black hole guy that’s been robbing banks all over town and Dean says something about it being ‘wabbit season’, earning an eye roll from Sam. Cas merely looks at him oddly, tilting his head to the side and Dean already knows the angel’s going to say something in his ‘why is Dean such a strange human?’ voice.

 

“I don’t think you pronounced that correctly.”

 


End file.
